A dream of forgiveness

 I often found myself wondering what happen when you die. Not like after, but during or a little before. I once have a dream about the day he die. In the dream I saw my toddler niece walking around, even if we were in different countries, rooming around my house. When I saw her, my dad took me aside and warn me about her not being mi niece, but  a death angel. I was kind of a nightmare, because since I saw her now I was coming with them. However, once I woke up a realice she was there to get him. It was like when you die someone came to pick you up, in the shape of a love one. 

I´m not much of a spiritual person, I don´t think I believe in hell or heaven, I´m a atheist with a little of a agnostic look, because I like to think in magic there´s confort about those how left. 

Some people think when you die your life flashes in front of you. But I don´t like that as much, when a chapter ends, you don´t think of the beginning, but of the start ahead. If my dream was real, that's why my dad seems to have know he was about to pass, his gaze was charge with melancholy knowing he has to left yet couldn't tell. In a way that makes me think of purgatory, a day or less where you know yet can hurry things, no other option but to think. 

Watching a show I now found a new perspective, maybe its a little time like the first theory, something that feels like a dream, where you meet forgiveness. And you close chapters tightening some knots not knowing its the end, but just things getting better all of a sudden. 

I don´t think my dad die thinking we were mad at him, I think that with death comes wisdom, you found the piece. But know I wonder if maybe he did finish that day thinking that, until he meet forgiveness. Maybe he dream of a hug where we show them it was alright to commit the mistakes he committed, and the health, mentally and physically, he lost was suddenly back. And so his afterlife its a life long, eternal even, time where its was all a horrible chapter of his life, and now he knows better, and we are all there with him. 

In a way I feel that if I died today my dream will be meeting him again and hugging him, so he told me that everything it´s okay and the is there to take away any fears. And ill apologise for not noticing how lonely his last days were. 

I don´t feel bad about how things turned out beside the fact he´s not here anymore. It was mean to happen, he needed the "lesson", everyone need it. But after months of suffering, and punishment, maybe his dream of forgiveness was me apologising for turning away for him. A chance for him to promise not to do it again. 

I often found myself wondering what he wound do if he was here, and I could tell him all the things I´ve learn in uni. He would be please to know I want to protect the beach. He wouldn´t mind I was failing some classes. And he would hug me like I can´t even understand how I stop hugging him. There's so many movies I know he would have liked. And songs, and concerts. People. Dates. Places. 

One day I´ll meet him again and tell him and the stories I see no point in saying out loud to him because I don´t believe in ghosts, one day, even if it´s just the last dream of forgiveness before my own death. 

He´s going to know, that´s a promise.