journal 13/11

 i feel upset about things in my life. i feel like i attrack people in need. dont get me wrong, i love to help and be the person i woulnd have love to have in my life during the hard times in my life. however, i wonder why me? its that i bring this to people? maybe i make it worse by putting much more efford into the situations?. im concernd by all that can go wrong when people around me can also be hurt by the people in need. i dont what more disputes, i dont want my mum to worry about things. im just pampering her, yet its not irrational wanting her to be happy. i thing thats the reason im uppset. i dont want the burden of taking this issues home, not again at least. i counld have never turn my back to my own nephew, yet what can came up from this. 

can someone be evil? sertanlly its not the first awfull mom i came across, moreover its not even the first time i get to see how much of a bitch she can be, however i never spected to be this far.

she leave us alone the day my dad pas away, and she push my mum. i should have fuck her up when i´d had the chance, not like that would make it better now. but in a way maybe it would make me feel more capable of confronting the problem. sometimes i feel like i let my mum down by not deffending her propetly. she woulndn´t have wanted tho, she its "better than that" , so i guees its just egotistinc wishes to make me feel strong in a void way. 

i always feel bad about my nephew, after all you can have a good lfe when your mom and dad are fucking inmature as children. never the less, he was a asshole, and i was a child too. i resented him so much, to this day i think he is a asshole. but i thing thats the difference betwen hating and being a monster, i do not like him but i will never wish bad to someone. 

i think im scared bc i also sufferd from a mean mum, really mean mum, not a monster like the ones i encounter. she is a lot of bad things, i can even think of them, but the point is that after being honest with her she came to the realisation of being a good person, not just a good mom. and i dont think thats for my sister, she isnt the type to feel guilt, psychopath.

im scared she do something to them. not kill them, tahts too much. i just think she its not scared, and not being there to help, to be the "muscle" of the story, makes me nervous. 

i swear im going nuts if i know she try something, im not holding back twice. 

can i ever have a "nice" chrismas? goddamit.

i feel lonely not in a "no one care about me" kinda way. i feel like im getting to the growing up parte where you realice some people dont enjoy getting in the middle. i dont want to hold that process i guees. i dont want to open up to others. 

i dont wanto to bother him either. i dont feel great finding time in his schedule, even if thats the way to go. 

i like to think theres a paranormal/scinsfi reason for this "bad luck" i feel im living. like, no friends, no love, then no dad, then no great family, loosing frinds, not good grades, no money, depression, jealousy i never feel before, disenchanted about my carrear and now i, once again, feel like my family its about to fall apart. i dont feel like "i want to die" yet i feel like i want to start all over again, im not in accordance with my life. i want to change the whole game. 

i dont even want to try the new pills, im scared they make me feel bad and i losse time, yet im also scared i take them and i feel so good i realice i commited do many mistakes by not taking it early. 

im unsatisfied. in such an unrealistic way that theres little to nothing i can do. 

i want a do over, not even like try other carrear, other friends, other city. i literally want everyone to forget me so i can go over again. 

i alway thoght regret was for woosies that act with out thinkg, yet i now feel like theres regret even of the thing i didnt did myself. 

im so unsatiesfied. about everything.